Complications

Perhaps I was a little too hasty in titling this blog.

In some ways, having a job for these past two weeks has allowed me to appreciate the simple things in life in a way I hadn't when lost in the listlessness of summer. But in other ways, it has been stressful in the extreme.

Since starting work two weeks ago I haven't written a single word. My relationship with my parents has degenerated. And my fears have mounted. I begin to wonder who I am. I envy others their apparently clear path forward.

I want to know with certainty where it is I want to be, and more than that (for I begin to think I already do) I want to have the opportunity to be there. And I wonder if I made a wrong turn. What if I'm going the wrong direction? But there's no one who takes my worries seriously, no one I can rely on. Catherine, maybe, but she's too busy. I know I should be able to take care of my own worries. I try to count the blessings I have. And I am grateful. I understand that where I am is where a lot of people pray their whole lives to be. If I play my cards right, I have a lifelong, high-paying position with great benefits. Even should my current position for some reason not be fulfilling enough or disappear, I can move through the company without sacrificing anything - except my dreams. And if that sounds dramatic, then I guess it is. But it's how I feel.

No one gets it. And so today I made a decision.

1) I'm going to learn to rely on myself. I'm tired of being someone who is a burden on others. I'm tired of being weak. I don't want that anymore.

2) By next September, I will have determined exactly what I want to do with my life. And I will be leaving this position, or at least in the process of it, and taking the next step forward to fulfill my own ideals. I'll be 23. It's a good age to start the rest of my life.

And in the meantime, I'm going to learn everything I can from this position. I'm going to learn everything I can from Roanoke and the community I find myself in. And I'm going to learn about myself, too. And I'm going to keep pursuing the things that make me me.

Oh, and I'm going to pay off at least one of my loans. And save lots of money. Because why the fuck else did I take this position?

I won't be the narrow-minded, rigid, afraid person you think I am.